Heart Strings
by JoJo Holmes
Summary: Shepard has a tremendous weight on her shoulders. She has to stop the looming threat of the Reapers and Collectors, with just her crew - her crew that's missing one important person. She's maintained a steady mask while on the inside she's been covering up a secret: she's falling apart. And finally, on the lonely night before the Omega4 Relay, she shatters without Kaidan's support.


I walked through the door to my bedroom. It was quiet and peaceful. The entire ship had a feeling of completeness. Everything was coming together. Tomorrow we would ride off to hell's gates. We would fight, and win no matter what. Even if it meant never coming back. Acceptance rang through the halls, a silent battle horn. We knew what we were doing. What we were up against.

For the last three months it has been nothing but chaos and running around trying to prepare everyone. Then, the night before we end it, a sort of melancholy peace arrived.

I stepped into the room and fed my exotic fish. I hoped they made it through the fight, but the odds of it working were slim. After feeding them, I turned and slowly walked over to my terminal. I checked for messages, but there were none. Unfortunately, I couldn't say I didn't know what I was expecting, because I did know. I wanted to hear from him. I wanted to say goodbye, in case I don't come back. I wanted to tell him I loved him and I'd be fighting for him as I went into the Omega 4 Relay. I wanted to see his face: a crooked grin, nearly all traces of shyness gone as we grew closer, no hesitation, no anger, just the face he showed me as he lay next to me before the Normandy was attacked. I wanted that back so badly. Without thinking or catching myself, I glanced over to the holo a meter or so away. Kaidan looked so good in that picture… He was so angry on Horizon. Was what I did really wrong? Was I just not seeing its faults…? No, it wasn't wrong. I had to save everyone. I had to. I…

Memories flashed over my eyes. It was… overwhelming. I reeled, the air rushing out of my lungs. I saw all the happy memories with Kaidan. Even a few bad. I heard his voice as he whispered to me, his arms around me. I heard him stammer out a reply, him call me sweetheart, my name a low growl tumbling from his lips, and an angry and desolate goodbye. I stood, rubbing my temples. His grinning face turned into a cold, distant one, to an angry scowl. I could almost feel his arms around me. Goosebumps rose on my arms.

I raked my hands through my short hair, holding my breath in. I knotted my fingers into the black tresses and released, letting out the air in my lungs. "Fuck…" I hissed out. My hands slid down to my face, shaking. "Shit!" I hissed through clenched teeth.

My eyes were closed tight but they stung with strained tears. My chest rose and fell quickly with shaky breathing. A throbbing pain radiated through my head, pulsing like a battle drum in my ears. An even sharper pain pierced through my chest, sending wave after wave of ice through my veins. My throat worked tightly, desperately hoping to keep the destruction at bay.

A short, low sob wracked through me, shaking my frame roughly. My lips parted in a silent scream. I squatted down, knocking the chair behind me away with a loud clack. I gasped for air and let it out in a quiet, shrill cry. I pried my eyes open and tears began to flow over my cheeks. The bright blue light of the fish tank blurred and meshed with the icy color of my biotic flare through the water crowding over my eyes. I let my tired eyes close again and wept, rocking back and forth slowly. My hands covered my face.

I cried, my voice hoarse. My hands were slick against my face from the tears. The words of denial and sorrow could hardly be understood in my voice. The pain in my skull faded and the acute burning and empty feeling in my chest swelled, swallowing up my whole body. The palms of my hands felt tight like clenched muscles, but they were loose over my cheeks. With every second that went by the hollow feeling intensified.

It became an unbearable agony and I wailed, my mouth agape. My shoulders shuddered and quaked. Tears of anguish and sorrow fell from my eyes. I was hyperventilating.

I coughed. It turned into a long string of desperate choking and gasping. I coughed again, hard, and a sudden spurt of blood erupted from my nose. I covered it with my hand, tears streaming down my face as I stumbled to my feet. I cried as I went into the bathroom and tanked a wad of tissues from the holder. I held them to my nose. The tissue absorbed the blood.

_Calm down, Shepard. Your team needs you. You _have_ to be strong. No matter what. You _have _to. They _need _you strong. _

I took a few slow, deliberate breaths. My body was numb and tingling, but at least breathing normally.

I removed the tissues carefully. The burst capillaries in my nose stopped bleeding shortly after. I swallowed the saliva in my mouth. It mixed with the bit of blood that had seeped back into my throat. I cupped my hands full of the tap water and held it to my nose, inhaling and exhaling quickly. It hurt, but it cleaned out the blood. Tears still dripped from my bright crystal eyes and down my cheeks, falling off my jaw and into the sink.

I gradually straightened and spared but one regretful glance at myself in the mirror before retreating back into the captain's quarters. An unsettling hollow feeling welled in the pit of my stomach. I went over to the bed and lay down under the sheets. I eventually fell asleep, my sorrow and heartbreak falling silently from my eyes into the cloth beneath me. I slept through the final hours until the end, the very last fight, knowing I'd be doing it all for Kaidan. Maybe I would even make it out alive… all for Kaidan.

-0-0-0-0-

I wrote this short bit a while ago. This was originally going to be the closing chapter to one of my other stories, but I decided to continues that one, and so just made this a separate one. As is, it's going to be a one-shot. I can add chapters if you want (what happened up to this point, I suppose) but updating will be a little slow because I want to focus on the aforementioned story. But, if you ask for it, I'll do it.

I hope you liked it!

3 you guys!


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